Pride and Prejudice: Condensed

The result of mindless analysis in 11th grade English.

VOLUME ONE

Chapter 1: It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife. Too bad it’s not. Yet it somehow applies to Bingley.

Chapter 2: The Bennets plan to go to a ball.

Chapter 3: They go to the ball. A bunch of dialogue occurs. Darcy smites Elizabeth figuratively. He sucks.

Chapter 4: Bingley is infinitely superior to Darcy. Darcy sucks powerfully.

Chapter 5: The Lucases come over and talk a bunch. Darcy still sucks powerfully.

Chapter 6: Some stuff happens. Darcy starts liking Elizabeth. Everyone else still thinks he sucks powerfully.

Chapter 7: The Bingleys invite Jane over for dinner. Mrs. Bennet concocts a plan to make Jane stay overnight. She thinks it is oh-so-clever. Jane gets sick. Elizabeth goes over because Jane gets sick. Darcy is powerfully suckily silent.

Chapter 8: Miss Bingley tries to smite Jane but it doesn’t quite work because Bingley is oh-so-very-smilingly-amiable. They talk a lot and the reader gets oh-so-very-bored.

Chapter 9: Jane is still sick and therefore must stay. Mrs. Bennet thinks herself ingenious, but she is really just aggravating. More relatively pointless dialogue ensues.

Chapter 10: Miss Bingley makes several sycophantic remarks on Darcy’s handwriting. Bingley and Darcy get into a strangely uninteresting discussion about lampshades and masculinity. (Not really.)

Chapter 11: Miss Bennet and Elizabeth walk around pointlessly. Darcy reads a book. Darcy doesn’t like the fact that he likes Elizabeth. He still sucks ever-so-powerfully because Jane Austen wants to make her book as fat as possible by dragging out the plot.

Chapter 12: Jane Austen talks a bunch. Elizabeth and Jane go home.

Chapter 13: Collins writes a letter. Then he pops in for a visit. He apologizes a bunch. It is displeasing.

Chapter 14: Collins praises Lady Catherine de Bourgh extensively. Meanwhile, Mr. Bennet is laughing hysterically and yet silently. They play backgammon for no apparent reason.

Chapter 15: Collins decides he wants to marry Elizabeth. Wickham comes to town. He has a showdown with Darcy, which neither of them wins. Thus transpires Jane Austen’s attempt at plot thickening.

Chapter 16: Wickham hates on Darcy’s family, thus making Darcy not only suck powerfully, but excruciatingly as well.

Chapter 17: The Bennets go to another ball. Elizabeth accidentally dances with Collins, which sucks arbitrarily for her.

Chapter 18: Jane Austen decides to write a garrulously long chapter. Darcy dances with Elizabeth. They talk about talking. She thinks he sucks inarticulately. In fact, the whole chapter sucks like vespertine phlegm.

Chapter 19: Collins asks Elizabeth to marry him. She says no. He takes that for a yes. Collins actually sucks more exponentially than Darcy.

Chapter 20: Collins decides that he doesn’t want to marry Elizabeth anymore, thus confirming the contemplation of his sucking effervescently.

Chapter 21: Miss Bingley writes a letter saying that she and her family (i.e. Bingley) will be going to London and probably will not be returning. This is blatantly a last-ditch attempt to smite Jane demoniacally. Jane is saccharinely optimistic that Miss Bingley is not trying to get her brother to marry Darcy’s sister. This is, of course, a load of crap.

Chapter 22: Collins decides to marry Charlotte Lucas, who agrees. Elizabeth is effectively smitten down because Charlotte is one of her best friends. Not that Elizabeth really cares that much.

Chapter 23: Mrs. Bennet is super pissed.

VOLUME TWO

Chapter 1: Miss Bingley continues in her attempt to smite Jane. There is much dialogue. Wickham tells everyone that Darcy sucks superfluously.

Chapter 2: The Gardiners, Mrs. Bennet’s brother and sister-in-law, show up to visit. Other than that, nothing really happens.

Chapter 3: Mrs. Gardiner tells Elizabeth not to fall in love with Wickham because he sucks financially. Jane goes with the Gardiners to London. Wickham starts paying attention to some random girl who just inherited a butt-load of money.

Chapter 4: Elizabeth goes to visit Jane and the Gardiners. It is uneventful.

Chapter 5: Elizabeth goes to visit Charlotte. Collins talks excessively about Lady Catherine. Lady Catherine’s daughter walks by. Elizabeth laughs at her sickliness.

Chapter 6: Collins tries to brag to Elizabeth about all the fun stuff he has, but she doesn’t really care since he sucks swaggeringly. Miss De Bourgh is super sickly. Lady Catherine tries to smite Elizabeth’s family.

Chapter 7: Darcy and his cousin Fitzwilliam show up.

Chapter 8: Fitzwilliam says some things about Darcy that make him suck less ostentatiously.

Chapter 9: Darcy talks to Elizabeth, which is apparently intended to build up to the climax, but it doesn’t really work unless the reader lives in the Victorian era.

Chapter 10: Elizabeth “runs into” Darcy a lot when she wanders around in the park, but he is obviously stalking her. She thinks he sucks peripatetically. Fitzwilliam tells Elizabeth that Darcy saved a friend from an imprudent marriage, obviously referring to Bingley and Jane. This makes Elizabeth hate him even more.

Chapter 11: Darcy asks Elizabeth to marry him even though her sisters are dumb and her family sucks universally, because he has not been able to repress his feelings although he has tried with every milligram of his being, and so now she cannot possibly refuse him because of his oh-so-irresistible virility. Elizabeth says that she would not marry him even if he were the last living thing on earth, because he is mean and sucks grandiosely although she has never given him any benefit of doubt, and so now he should just go away because his presence is making her oh-so-nauseous.

Chapter 12: Darcy gives Elizabeth a letter, and then he runs away. Elizabeth reads the letter. It essentially says that he was not in the wrong for splitting Jane and Bingley up and that Wickham is a lying sack of poo. Signed, Fitzwilliam Darcy. The reader sympathizes with Darcy, but only because he has such an unfortunate first name.

Chapter 13: Elizabeth ponders the letter.

Chapter 14: Nothing really happens.

Chapter 15: Elizabeth goes to the Gardiners’ house. Then she and Jane go back home. Much yawning by the reader is the result.

Chapter 16: Nothing really happens.

Chapter 17: Elizabeth tells Jane that Wickham is actually a lying sack of poo. They decide that Wickham sucks mendaciously.

Chapter 18: The regiment of soldiers moves to Brighton, which sucks coquettishly for Lydia. However, Colonel Forster’s wife invites Lydia to go with them to Brighton. Elizabeth tells Wickham that he is a lying sack of poo.

Chapter 19: Mrs. Gardiner invites Elizabeth to tour Derbyshire with her and Mr. Gardiner. Darcy’s house is located in Derbyshire. This is blatant foreshadowing.

VOLUME THREE

Chapter 1: They look around at Darcy’s house and the housekeeper says a bunch of nice things about Darcy. Then Darcy appears spontaneously. Much plot development transpires.

Chapter 2: Besides some angst, nothing really happens.

Chapter 3: Miss Bingley shows up and tries to smite Elizabeth, but it doesn’t work because Darcy is oh-so-much-more-in-love with Elizabeth.

Chapter 4: Elizabeth finds out that Lydia has run away with Wickham. Elizabeth goes home so that she and her family can suffer collectively.

Chapter 5: Nothing is accomplished, although they are all running around frenetically.

Chapter 6: Nothing really happens.

Chapter 7: Mr. Gardiner writes to say that Lydia and Wickham will be married.

Chapter 8: Nothing really happens.

Chapter 9: Lydia spills that Darcy paid Wickham to marry her.

Chapter 10: Mrs. Gardiner confirms that Darcy paid Wickham. Elizabeth decides that Wickham sucks worse than a vacuum.

Chapter 11: Bingley and Darcy show up.

Chapter 12: Nothing really happens.

Chapter 13: Bingley tells Jane that he still loves her.

Chapter 14: Lady Catherine shows up randomly and demands that Elizabeth promise that she will never marry Darcy, because he is already practically engaged to Miss De Bourgh. Elizabeth refuses, which sucks matrimonially for Lady Catherine.

Chapter 15: Collins writes a letter suggesting that Darcy might like Elizabeth. It is paid absolutely no regard.

Chapter 16: In a brilliant twist of plot that nobody could have ever expected in ten billion years… Darcy and Elizabeth make up.

Chapter 17: Nothing really happens.

Chapter 18: Nothing really happens.

Chapter 19: And once again, nothing really happens.

FINIS